10 Reasons I Hated Being a Nurse

There is a lot more to being a nurse than a guaranteed job right out of college, flexible schedule, and a good paycheck. So, that’s why I shared 10 reasons I loved being a nurse. Nursing has some great job perks but the rewarding aspect is what gave me the deepest satisfaction, by a long shot.

Regardless of what I gained from being a nurse, it is still a job that I chose to walk away from, mostly for personal reasons. It just wasn’t the right timing for me.

Although my ultimate reason for quitting my job as a nurse was related to personal reasons, mainly a need to focus on being a mom, there were definitely some other issues that I had with both of the jobs I held as a nurse. So, today I bring to you 10 reasons why I hated being a nurse.

1. I rarely felt like I was actually helping.

When I decided to pursue a career in nursing, one of my main goals was to help people who needed me. In reality, I rarely felt like I was actually helping anyone. The majority of my time as a nurse was spent passing out cups of pills and typing on a computer. Obviously, it varies depending on what type of nurse you are, but I’m talking med/surg floor nurse, because that is my experience. 

So that was the majority of my time: med passes and charting. The next snippet of my time was spent running around from room to room, fetching snacks, cups of coffee, and mostly doing other people’s jobs for them, like helping doctors communicate with one another, performing patient care duties such as helping patients shower, and transferring patients from their chair back to bed for the physical therapists who had helped them out of bed initially.

I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy doing these things, usually I did. I’d love to just do everything for my patients but when I have 5-8 of them to keep track of, charting to do on every one of them, and you know, a body of my own that needs to be fed and hydrated, it was virtually impossible to complete everything on my to do list for the day.

I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus either. I wasn’t doing other people’s jobs because those people didn’t want to, or were lazy (well, most of the time that wasn’t the case). I would do other people’s jobs mainly because those people were so swamped, that they were incapable of fully completing their tasks. It was kind of like a trickle effect that started with poor hospital administration and extremely saturated healthcare demands. 

Also to note, there were times when people had to do my job for me too. 

Most hospital workers don’t have the time to go over the top for their job so that leaves the people beneath them with more work. It starts with the administrators who expect too much from the managers of the floors, managers can’t staff properly, which now the charge nurse has to deal with, and then the work conditions are so stressful that people quit or transfer, causing more staffing issues. It’s just a completely messed up, vicious cycle. Honestly, I’m not even sure if this is anyone’s fault because our healthcare system is so deeply flawed and messed up (more on that later). I don’t know how anyone could handle the intricacies of how a hospital functions. Just the idea of it makes my head spin. 

So anyways, some days I would be left with small slivers of time, when I would go to a lonely patient’s room and just chat for a bit, or take my time washing and combing my patient’s hair, or whatever it may be. And those were the days when I felt like I was helping, when I felt like I could focus, take my time, and connect with my patients. That was when I felt like I was making an impact. And those times didn’t come often. They were quite rare to be honest. 

2. Almost everyone is in it for the money.

I remember when I realized that hospitals are businesses that profit off of sick people and it broke my heart. Whether we’re talking nurses, doctors, administrators, the CT guy; a lot of people working in hospitals are in it for the money.

I worked hard as a nurse, but most of my work was sloppy, rushed, and done in an anxiety-driven haste. I looked forward to payday and I often spent my paycheck on impulsive shopping purchases, extravagant brunch dates, and overall, just things I didn’t really need that would help me justify the fact that I was miserable at my job.

Just like how there are servers and retail workers and businessmen who dislike their jobs but do it anyways, only in a miserable, half-assed way, there are healthcare workers who are that way too and we’re holding people’s lives in our hands — just think about that. A lot of times, people performed their jobs poorly because of the working conditions, so I’m not saying that they are bad people or that it was entirely their fault.

Hospitals do contain tons of amazing healthcare workers, across the board. But these people are vastly out numbered by others who are simply capable of doing the work and choose to do it so they can make money. So many people are working at hospitals doing work that they hate or their employer is overworking them and making them miserable but they stick it out because, “I need to make money”. 

These employees are lowering the standard of care for everyone and patients are suffering because of it. It’s a real problem. I’ll be honest, towards the end of being a nurse I was becoming one of these people (it took less than a year of poor working conditions to burn me out enough to get to this point — yikes). When I realized I really needed to quit, my only trepidation was related to the fact that I’d be walking away from a guaranteed paycheck, but when I realized that that was the only thing keeping me around, I knew it was time to quit. I didn’t feel like a good nurse, I was distracted and preoccupied. I needed to walk away because I truly wasn’t giving it my all. 

I have witnessed a lot of nurses who are meant to be nurses. They are so compassionate, they are so kind, they are genuinely interested in this form of taking care of people. They truly believe that they are helping. 

Money is hard to walk away from and there have been a lot of times in my life when I’ve trudged on in an unhappy situation because I felt stuck. It is easy to do. Some people contemplate quitting for 20 years though and trust me, you don’t want to be that person. These are the people who end up spending their entire professional career at a job they hate. Others just need their time to think it over, save money, or gain experience. The reality is, we probably all have to “stick it out” for a certain amount of time and that’s fine.

I’m not saying that if you’re a person who isn’t happy that you should change jobs right now. Just remind yourself of what your goals are. If you aren’t happy, then what do you want? What type of job is ideal for you? What aspects of your job are making you unhappy? Are there ways they can improve? If not, yeah, you probably should go elsewhere, but do take time and think it through, plan ahead, and save up some money first. Just don’t get stuck because your job literally becomes you.

3. Malnourishment is the norm.

A couple of months into my first nursing job, I spoke to a therapist. I was feeling a lot of anxiety at work and having a hard time managing my stress at home. She so graciously offered the suggestion that I try to eat a small amount of protein at least every two hours while I’m at work. “Eating regularly can really stabilize your mood.” Well, she wasn’t wrong, but she was so incredibly oblivious to the fact that eating regularly was literally impossible to do consistently at my job.

Her lack of understanding was really frustrating. I was lucky if I got to sit for the first time and eat something before 4PM, let alone have a snack every 2 hours. I did start to bring some protein powder with me which helped, but the fact that chugging a lumpy protein shake as quickly as I could at 10AM was the closest thing to a “healthy habit” at this job is laughable. Being dehydrated and malnourished as a nurse is simply the norm.

Even at a job that was “well staffed” my days were so unpredictable that there was no way to form a healthy habit like that. 

4. Sensory overload.

I often felt sensory overload after I came home from work, especially if I had worked 3 shifts in a row. I’d franticly speed walk to my car feeling so exhausted yet so wired at the same time. My ears rang once I sat in the silence. Some days I blared music on the way home in an attempt to numb myself from what I had witnessed that day. But when I’d drive home in silence with the windows down, that was the most peaceful feeling.

When working as a nurse, your senses are constantly being stimulated by sounds, bright lights, people rushing around, and people approaching you to ask questions. You are constantly being asked what you want to do and you’re having to make decisions in a snap. It’s overwhelming to the senses and can really make you feel mentally exhausted after the fact.

On top of that, you never really get a break to truly walk away. When you sit down to have lunch you’re in a closet sized room and almost never alone (unless you’re super lucky). Your coworkers are just as overly stimulated and caffeinated as you are and they’re just so curious about all of the food you’ve packed, how your day’s going, what your favorite color is (just kidding).

Okay seriously, all jokes aside, I had a lot of really sweet coworkers and I miss a lot of them. I was lucky to have them. But the design of hospital break rooms being so small and employees just being so wired all the time just fed in even more to the sensory overload of working in a hospital. By the time I got home, the idea of talking to anyone again for at least another 24 hours was exhausting. But 9 times out of 10 I’d have to be back the next day, only about 9 hours after getting home.

5. Compassion fatigue is real.

Being a nurse caused me at times to feel inconvenienced by my families needs. Ouch, it hurts to admit that. After 3 straight 12 hour shifts of attempting (and often failing) to meet other people’s needs and listening to people complain (patients and coworkers alike), I often felt so emotionally exhausted that I didn’t even want to talk to my loving fiancé whom I’d barely seen for 3 days. 

I literally would feel like I needed to lay down in a quiet room with a pillow over my head for as long as possible. I was using so much energy on other peoples needs, I couldn’t even address my own or that of my family. That made me feel a lack of control and a lot of guilt as well.

These days, when I’m shrugging my shoulders, rolling my eyes, huffing and puffing because my daughter just woke up for the tenth time and I just want to have a relaxing evening, I try to say your needs are never a burden to me. Even though it may appear that way at times, I pray that she believes me. I’m simply human. I’m trying my best. We all are.

6. I’m convinced that every hospital has staffing issues. 

My first job as a nurse involved the following patient ration: a team of one RN and one LPN took care of 8 patients, and there was a patient care tech somewhere in the mix (if you were lucky). The LPN gave out the medications and the RN assessed and charted on everyone, gave IV push medications, communicated with doctors, discharged and admitted new patients. Our patient care techs took assignments of anywhere from 13-16 patients. Sometimes we had 1 or 2 techs for the entire floor of close to 40 patients.

Then I got my new “better” job. During my interview, the manager told me, “we staff 3-4 patient care techs for our floor of around 20 patients,” I was in awe. Those ratios sounded like a dream to me. Although, definitely better than where I had come from, staffing issues were still very prevalent at this job. And to be totally honest, I rarely witnessed a shift that staffed more than 2 patient care techs at a time because that is simply all they had to work with. Again, not trying to point any fingers, just telling what I honestly witnessed. To be fair, I only held this job for 2 months, so I had a narrow view into the actual working conditions.

It’s pretty understandable that hospitals have staffing issues because nursing is a profession that involves a lot of turn over. Nurses are constantly transferring, changing their schedules, getting new jobs, etc. I’m not sure how managers can handle these changes so some staffing issues are bound to exist but it just became frustrating for me when I realized that these issues exist virtually everywhere. I only have worked at two hospitals, so if you’re a nurse and you’ve worked at a hospital with no staffing issues please share some insight below! I’d love to hear from you.

7. Our healthcare system is deeply flawed.

I knew that healthcare systems had issues but I had no idea the extent until witnessing it first-hand. Again, I’m not blaming anyone because it is such a complex system and I personally have no idea what the solution might be. What I do know, is that I saw plenty of patients (mainly at my first job) who were essentially living at the hospital with no long term care option because the long term facilities couldn’t accept them and they had no family to help.

I will never forget the quadriplegic patient who had come in from living in a house with meth addicts. He had unstageable pressure ulcers covering his lower back and sacrum. No rehab facility would take him because of his younger age and medical complexity and they couldn’t discharge him back to where he came from because he wouldn’t receive adequate care there. He lived at the hospital for months and months. Finally, it was somehow decided to discharge him home. It looked like they had found reliable family to care for him, or so they say. He left the hospital and a few months after that, he was found on the side of the road, non-responsive. Someone had literally just left him there. They brought him into the hospital and found multiple drugs in his system. They weren’t able to revive him and he died.

This was the only time I had witnessed a situation like this with such a tragic outcome, but I have no doubt that there are many situations like this that I just haven’t heard about. I wish I could say it was the only time I saw a patient living at the hospital with no medical needs and no place to go, but I saw it many times over. It just showed to me how deeply flawed this system really is. I can’t help but ask myself and anyone who may know, how can we help these people? How can we change this system? Yes, the system is extremely saturated with minimal staff to help but we are failing people left and right.

8. A new level of “busy”

I remember working as a server and feeling “in the weeds” when I’d get 3 or 4 tables all at once. I’d panic as I thought about who I would go to first, striving to get everyone fed in a timely manner. As a nurse, I’ll never forget the feeling of discharging 5 patients at once as my new admission rolls up simultaneously. Or the times I was still getting report from night shift when its after 7:45 and I’m watching the breakfast treys be delivered to my diabetic patient’s who’s blood sugars I needed to check before they started eating.There was even a day when I had to hang a blood transfusion immediately after beginning my shift because the night shift nurse hadn’t gotten to it, and while I was in the room with the patient for the required 15 minutes after the transfusion began, one of my other patients became hypoglycemic while another ones chest tube began to leak. Oh, the memories.

I will truly never forget the feeling of being “in the weeds” as a nurse, because it was so much more intense than any other sense of “busy” that I’ve ever felt in my life. What made the difference? The fact that I feared someone would die at my hands. That was always what it came down to. Yeah, it’s too bad if your table doesn’t get their drinks fast enough or if their order comes out wrong, but what about when you’re too wrapped up in one patient’s room and someone else needs you at the same time? As a nurse, I constantly felt the need to be in multiple places at once. I honestly wished I could clone myself on multiple occasions. Luckily, it never got to the point of truly endangering anyone’s life, but it easily could have.

9. So much toxin exposure

Hospitals are just filled with strong toxic chemicals whether it be the cleaning products the janitors use, the hand sanitizers we’re constantly slathering ourselves in, toxic drugs that float through the air, or the unfiltered water that you’re forced to drink for 12 hours a day. I felt like as a nurse, no matter how hard I tried to live a “healthy” lifestyle, it was inevitably ruined by my job because I’d always have to accept exposure to tons of toxic chemicals while in the work place. I actually got to a point where I just felt like giving up on avoiding toxin exposure in my day-to-day life because I knew my job ultimately ruined any effort I put forth to live a healthy lifestyle. Having experienced this job first hand definitely showed me why so many nurses suffer from health issues — it is virtually impossible to live a healthy life while working at this type of job.

10. Sheep

As a hospital worker, I often felt like I was just a part of a pack following along with the policies of the facility. Sometimes, things truly didn’t make any sense and when I questioned why something was done a certain way, the answer was always, “it’s hospital policy” or “that’s just how we do it”. It quickly became evident to me that having a voice of reason as a nurse is not exactly the most common practice. Obviously, no one directly said this to me, this is all based off of my opinions and inferences so please feel free to agree or disagree, but I felt like it was expected of me to put my head down, do my work, and not question anyone or anything. This realization showed me how much power large corporations like hospitals truly have — it’s pretty scary.

I was once pressured into receiving a Hepatitis B vaccine by my employer. I did what I was supposed to do, I went to employee health, I got the vaccine, and that was that. I signed a waver prior to receiving the shot and it listed the brand name of the vaccine. No one provided me with information about potential side effects or discussed anything with me. They simply had me sign the form and gave me the shot. I looked up the vaccine after the fact to review the potential side effects and read that it isn’t recommended for breastfeeding women to get this shot because the safety hasn’t been confirmed. If you can’t guess already, I was a breastfeeding woman at the time. No one told me, no one asked me. This type of culture is so widely accepted by nurses that I honestly wasn’t even that surprised, I was just frustrated more than anything. This is how we’re used to treating our patients, just following doctors orders and hospital policy. It’s a slippery slope.

In Conclusion

I want to emphasize the fact that I’m not trying to convince other nurses to quit their jobs — we need nurses. Nor am I passing judgement on those of you who work in this profession. If anything, I have serious respect for nurses because to be successful as a nurse, an incredibly high level of resilience and selflessness is required. I’m simply sharing my experience with the hopes of starting a discussion about these issues. The more we speak up about our struggles, the more likely it is that something could change.

Finally, I want to emphasize that the title of this post is “10 Reasons I Hated Being a Nurse”

Emphasis on “reasons” because I didn’t hate being a nurse entirely, there were aspects I loved. The bad just simply outweighed the good for me and I truly could not handle the stress. I had to put myself and my family first. I may return to nursing one day, and that doesn’t make me a hypocrite.

And finally, emphasis on “I” because this is my experience and everyone has a different journey. If you are excelling at nursing, more power to you. If you disagree with what I’ve said, then that’s fine too, this is my opinion and you are entitled to yours as well.

Thank you so much for reading (my longest post yet!), and let me know your thoughts in the comments!

xx

How I’m Satisfying My Travel Itch Without Going Anywhere

In February of 2017, I got on a plane and flew to Colorado. This was probably my 3rd time on an airplane ever in my life (I was 20 years old at the time). My next plane ride took me to a small town in Michigan that August. Only four months after that, I hopped on a plane that eventually led me to Manhattan, for 4 snowy days in the city. April 2018 took me out of the U.S. and gained me my first ever passport stamp (helloooo London!). Only about two months later I got one more stamp when I flew to Costa Rica in June. Six months later, I found myself in Manhattan again for another 4 days of that wonderful city in December I waited patiently for another 6 months after that for my biggest travel excursion yet. June 2019, I left the U.S. and embarked on a one month backpacking trip in Europe. And that was it, I’ve not yet been on a plane since.

Why did my travel habits suddenly hit a brick wall? Well, I had a baby 3 months after returning from my backpacking trip, so that will definitely put a pause on a lot of things — travel being one of them. But I have always been determined as a mom to hop on a plane with our little babe as soon as possible. I know that travel with children can be daunting but it’s one of those things that I want to face so I can prove to myself that it really isn’t as bad as my mind may want me to think. The last thing I want is to use the excuse of it being too stressful to travel with a child and stay in my comfort zone and hardly ever go anywhere cool as a family. 

And then of course you have the pandemic. As if traveling with a child wasn’t already intimidating, now you have the mask requirements, the need to get COVID swabbed prior to going, and the risk of catching COVID abroad and getting stuck at your destination longer to quarantine. I feel like that last one is the hardest one for me to get past. 

We are also on a budget right now as I go through a career transition and we save up for our wedding but I still want to make travel a financial priority. It’s really not that hard to save for a trip even when you’re on a tight budget. But, it is tough to save up enough for a trip and to have enough money prepared in case you get stuck in whatever country you travel to and have to pay for an additional 10 days (or who knows how long) of housing and food. That’s where I’m at with it. I know, we could technically stay within the country, but our budget is still tight, so for now, we’re staying put.

So, I haven’t been on a plane for almost two years after getting on one nearly every 3 months for a couple of years. It’s a bit of a bummer, I’m not going to lie. I’m dying to go somewhere. I feel bored all the time. Some days, I feel like I’m going crazy. I know that hopping on a plane right now would give me the perspective and clarity that I so badly need. I miss traveling so so much.

So, how am I handling such a bummer? I’m starting to really think about what it is that I love so much about traveling and figuring out ways to achieve those things without going anywhere. Here’s what I’ve come up with. 

Exploring culture/art from home.

One reason I love to travel is that it gives me a new perspective. Traveling exposes me to new people in new cultures and new surroundings that I’ve never experienced before. It teaches me and causes me to grow. A lot of the trips I’ve gone on have inspired me to explore museums and art in order to embrace what a city has to offer and learn more about that city’s culture.

I also love the extra time that I get while traveling that leads me to read more books, magazines and newspaper. I’m trying to start doing more of all of these things at home. It can be easy to get in the habit of sitting on the couch and reaching for your phone right away. I’m going to try to pick up a book more often, listen to more audiobooks, and just generally be more intentional with my down time.

Although I’m trying to lessen my screen time, I know that some TV and phone time is inevitable so I’ve been striving to watch TV and use social media with more of a cultural eye, if that makes sense. What the hell does that mean? You’re probably wondering. What I mean is this, I’m not mindlessly staring at the TV or my phone. I’m asking myself, what am I looking at? Is this serving me in a positive way? If not, let’s do something else. I’m watching shows and movies and paying attention to fashion, style and trends.

It’s been super enjoyable to rewatch movies that I loved when I was growing up and pay attention to the way people dressed and acted back then. Noticing what was trendy when I was growing up gives me a perspective into past trends and styles that influenced my personal style today.

Not going to lie, I can tend to find solace in cheesy, early 2000’s era rom-coms and reality shows but I’m fully embracing these guilty pleasures. It’s not time wasted if you’re mindfully watching and finding joy in the moment — that’s something I’ve realized recently.

Since I’ve started to spend more time writing and creating things, I’m realizing that art is everywhere. Yes, even on the TV screen of those poorly rated rom-coms and walking the streets of your hometown. You may just need to shift your perspective and take a closer look to notice it.

Embrace your surroundings/community.

It feels really good to get out of your hometown but it can also be nice to ask yourself: What does my hometown have to offer that I’m not already taking advantage of? I mentioned above that traveling often inspires more museum trips but I’m going to try to get out of my house and check out some of the museums that my hometown has to offer too. I do happen to live in a town that is filled with art and history, and I hardly ever pay attention to it.

Getting out of your house and embracing your surroundings is a great way to feel like you’re doing something. I’ve been trying to support more local businesses, testing out different coffee shops for my working days rather than going to the same spot every time. I’ve also been utilizing the farmer’s market more and I even went to my first group workout class in quite a while. I almost forgot how good it can feel to get out of the house and do things that surround you with other people.

Don’t let the weather stop you.

One thing I love about traveling is the way that I feel motivated to get out and do things, whether it’s pouring down rain, below freezing, or even the middle of a heat wave. When I’m home, it can be easy to decide to sit around most of the day and do nothing because it’s “so rainy”, or “it’s too cold” to go anywhere. I’m going to try to let go of that. I’m going to start embracing my “travel mindset” even when I’m at home. 

Remember, this is only temporary.

Ultimately, I’m super antsy to travel again but I’m doing my best to remind myself that the current circumstances are only temporary. I’ll be living life on less of a budget one day, travel restrictions will (hopefully) ease up soon, we’re going to go somewhere again — it just may take time, patience, and understanding. I’m trying to be more patient and just embrace where I’m at today. 

When was your last travel experience? Are you letting COVID hold you back or have you done and COVID friendly travel this year? Let me know in the comments! 

Seeking Validation

Lately I’ve been thinking about the concept of seeking validation. I’ve noticed some people around me and asked myself, “What are they trying to prove? Who/what do they feel threatened by? What void are they attempting to fill?”

But then suddenly, I realized I needed to take Bob Marley’s advice — before I pointed the finger, I needed to make sure my hands were clean. That’s when I realized that the people I’m observing might not be the only ones seeking validation. It looked like I was doing it too. Here are some examples of ways I’ve been doing this and ways I’ve noticed others doing it too, in case you need to take a step back and ask yourself the same thing.

What does it mean to seek validation?

When I use the term “seeking validation” I instantly think of someone who feels the need to brag about their life or to make their life look perfect on social media. One telltale example of course is the couple who looks perfect on the outside but are completely unhappy behind closed doors. Ultimately, seeking validation basically looks like attempting to gain the approval of some else. Often when I notice myself seeking validation it isn’t actually for other, it’s more of me seeking approval from myself (if that makes sense).

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve witnessed myself seeking validation by trying to appear a certain way on social media, talking about accomplishments without having been asked first, and by making sure to look my best with the thought that if I look good, everyone will assume that I am doing very well in all aspects of my life. 

When I was working as a nurse, I just remember making a lot of money and feeling the need to justify the work I was doing by spending the paycheck. I remember shopping impulsively, getting my nails done regularly, and just generally buying things the moment I decided I wanted them without thinking twice, all the time. I thought that these items and my reminding myself of my ability to acquire them would make me feel happy. The reality was, I was extremely unhappy with the amount of time and energy that my nursing job forced me to sacrifice. I didn’t feel involved enough in my daughters life and it was breaking my heart. I thought the shopping or “self care” excess on my days off would make me happy. I thought that going to brunch and getting my nails done and wearing new clothes and drinking all the time would fill a void and fix my unhappiness but it didn’t.

Shortly before I stopped working as a nurse, I was considering buying a new car. My current car is not old, it is reliable and most importantly — it is almost entirely paid off. Although I would like a larger vehicle soon, I don’t need one right now. When I was working as a nurse, I fantasized about a brand new car with nice tires, tinted windows and all the bells and whistles. I still dream about that car and I’m excited to own it one day, but I came close to impulsively upgrading not only my car but my monthly bills by nearly $500 every month, simply because I felt like it was within my reach and it would give me validation.

The validation I was looking for was that I was doing the right thing by working at a job where I felt unhappy and sacrificing vital time with my daughter. Just like when I inadvertently start rambling about my income when no one asked, I’m not even really talking to the people who are in front of me, I’m more so talking to myself. I’m reminding myself, don’t worry, you’re doing well, you’re where you’re supposed to be, because my insecurities have caused me to ask these questions, along with so many more. 

Are my friends true to me? 

Do people find me obnoxious?

Was quitting my job a bad idea?

Have I made the right decisions as a mother?

I’ve noticed not only myself, but countless other people spending money or pushing a certain narrative in their life for the purpose of seeking validation. It can be easy to do this without even realizing it. Before you make a big decision ask yourself, where is this coming from? What am I hoping to accomplish with this? 

I’m excited to get married, I’ve found myself dreaming about our wedding day. I also dream about our honeymoon, and our future home that we’ll buy and the family vacations we’ll go on in the future. These are fun and exciting things that I’m lucky to have at my fingertips, but they aren’t yet real. Although, I believe in making my dreams a reality, I have to find contentment in my current reality or else I’ll never be really happy. 

My current reality looks a little less like dreamy wedding plans and traveling. It looks a little more like long days at home being a mom. Avocado smears on my shirt and hair that hasn’t been washed in who-knows-how-many days. It looks like picking up the same living room mess 10 times in one day and sweeping lentils off the floor over and over again. It looks like pushing the stroller up and down our same street and saying hi to the same neighbors, day in and day out. It looks like a tight budget and the fire that I’m feeling under my ass to hustle, it’s time to make money and save up for all of these big plans. It looks like fear and self doubt, remembering the paycheck that once was and although I would never go back, man financial security was nice.

Sometimes this monotony makes me feel a little crazy. Sometimes I feel bored, and scared. I feel self doubt and I question my past decisions all the time. I’ve realized it’s a temporary feeling though. I’m just letting my mind wonder a little too much and falling into the “grass is always greener” mindset. But I know better than that. So I’m working on accepting more and practicing patience. I’m trying to connect more with God and count my blessings more often. My life really is beautiful and I am happy. I don’t need validation right now but I know shifting your mindset can be easier said than done. 

Telling yourself that achieving something in the future is the final piece missing in your puzzle of happiness will most likely set you up for disappointment. It’s great to set goals and achieve them — don’t get me wrong — just don’t think that a lack of contentment now simply needs to be filled with some type of materialistic solution in the future. 

If you’re constantly filling voids and finding yourself displeased by what you thought would bring you great joy, it may be time to take a step back and re-evaluate a few things. 

Have you ever noticed yourself seeking validation in life? What about other people in your life? What does seeking validation look like to you?

xx

How to Live a Fulfilling Life Regardless of Your Circumstance

Recently I’ve been faced with a reoccurring fear. I’m afraid of becoming ordinary. I’m afraid of getting too set in my ways and reaching a point where I feel incredibly inconvenienced every time I have to step out of my day-to-day. I’m afraid of my life becoming boring. I’m afraid that I might get too used to doing things the way I always do them and I’ll just become a creature of habit. I’m afraid that I’ll start living life with eyes half open. Or that I already am, and I haven’t even realized it yet.

My reality is that my life is kind of ordinary, but in a beautiful way. I have a child and a fiancé. We live together in our little house and drink coffee on the couch together every Saturday and Sunday morning. We have routines. We don’t live a crazy, luxurious life. But it feels exciting and fun and chaotic all the time. That’s when I realized that this whole uninteresting life, or boring life fear is actually all about perspective. The reality is, you can live any life that you envision for yourself. Here’s how.

Accept the bad days in the same way that you revel in the good days.

Some days are good, some not so good. I often find myself dwelling on the bad days, “Is this my life now? Will I always feel this way?” The answer is obviously a big no, but it can be difficult to see that when you’ve just had a rough day. Try to be patient with yourself and accept the bad days in the same way that you revel in the good days. It’s all just a part of the process.

Find joy in quiet moments.

Silent moments are so vastly underrated. As a society I feel like a lot of us are obsessed with constantly being stimulated in some way, staring at a phone, TV screen, headphones always in, constantly making small talk even if it’s meaningless. I didn’t appreciate quiet time until I had a child and my home became anything but quiet. Yet I still find myself at times taking these moments for granted. Sometimes a quiet evening is perceived in my mind as boring, leading to trivial worries— “is my life boring?” The answer is no, it’s not. Quiet time is so wonderful. Accept it, love it, embrace it.

Never stop appreciating the little things.

Do you have clean water to drink? A roof over your head? A pillow to lay your head at night? If the answer is yes, you’re already 10 steps ahead of a lot of people. Although you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, you should try to always appreciate the little things. We’re constantly surrounded with reasons to jump for joy, it can be easy to forget this sometimes.

Stop letting fear lead the way.

It can be easy to feel afraid of things. I’ve found myself in the past holding back on something because I’m afraid of a negative outcome. I’ve realized that you can never predict the future and if you don’t try you definitely won’t succeed. If you let fear hold you back, you’re letting fear dictate your life.

Get out into the world.

If you’re feeling unfullfilled, bored, stuck, stagnant, you may just need to take a step outside. Like literally, just go out onto your front step. Feel the sun on your face, feel the wind in your hair. It’s grounding to appreciate these things. If you’re feeling ambitious, keep going, keep moving. Go for a walk, a drive, whatever. Just go outside, break the cycle. Leave your place of comfort and don’t stop. Don’t ever get too comfortable, there’s danger in that.

Accept that life is sometimes monotonous.

Whether you want to believe it or not, life will feel monotonous or even a little boring at times and I can let that scare me sometimes. Kind of like feeling resistant to those quiet moments I mentioned earlier. Try to accept these unavoidable moments, understand it’s just a part of life.

Spend less time obsessing over other people’s lives, live for YOU.

Yes, it can be satisfying to just stare at your phone and scroll instagram for a while (especially if you rarely get uninterrupted time to do so). But try to be more intentional with your social media use (I’m reminding myself of this more than anything). How much time do you actually spend scrolling? What are you thinking in those moments? Are you getting inspired and stoked for your friends and family? Or are you comparing yourself and falling into negative thought patterns? I know it can be a slippery slope for me, for sure. If you feel like social media is having a toxic effect maybe take a little break. At the end of the day, if you’re spending all of your free time on social media and letting the views of others influence your life, you’re not living your life. You’re living for someone else. You’re living for these people on social media, whom you may not even know. So you’re living not for them, but for the idea of them that they portray on social media and no one knows how much truth is in that. Yikes.

Shift your perspective, change your life.

At the end of the day, you can be anyone you want to be. You can do anything you want to do. You have endless potential, we all do, and once you shift your perspective you can start to live the life you’ve always dreamed. I’m just speaking from experience. The life I have right now, I literally dreamed it. 

I was unhappy for years and year, I dreamed of a relationship like the one I’m in. Then I found it. I dreamed of starting a family (with the right man) and now I have that. I dreamed of traveling, and then I did it (more to come hopefully!). Then I found myself in an unhappy place once again. My mental health was deteriorating as I adjusted to life as a mom. I was too busy, I couldn’t handle working full time, and unfortunately, the career path I had chosen required that. For so long, I didn’t think quitting was an option. I thought that quitting meant I’d have to wait tables again or that I’d be throwing away all of the hard work I had put into getting the job I had. But the reality was, no pay check is worth your mental health.

I felt pulled to write, so I started to write. It started as 10 words a day jotted down in a journal, just random thoughts and sentences. Then I started this blog. I kept going, I had no idea why but I just kept going. Now somehow, it’s blossomed into a full on career change. I write for money, I have multiple clients who I write for regularly. This is completely unrelated to my college degree, yet I made it happen for myself. Six months ago, I didn’t even know it was possible for me to make money as a writer, it sounded unrealistic to me. Now that’s literally what I do.

I dreamed this life for myself, and you can do it too. Whatever your dream is, don’t give up on it, don’t sleep on it. You can do this.

Xx

Why Examining Your Past and Accepting Pain are the Best Things You Can Do For Yourself in 2021

I am in full acceptance of this moment, right here, right now. The past is the past. Be here now. Be present. That’s the goal, right? Be present and don’t worry about what’s in the past because it’s over? But isn’t is also important to examine the past, in an effort to understand who we are today and how we got to this (oh-so-important) moment. Don’t you wonder about what your parents were like when they were your age? Or what it was like around your house when you were a baby? 

In a similar way that who our parents and siblings are as people has an effect on who we are today, so do all of the people who you’ve spent significant time around over the years. All of your experiences have shaped you, whether you want to think about it or not. When you delve in and dissect certain situations and relationships from your past, it can give you insight into who you are as a person and what led you to this moment. 

I’ve found myself reflecting a lot lately. I’ve been feeling some guilt over it. Like, “stop worrying about what’s happened, you’re missing this moment.” To a certain extent, my inner voice isn’t wrong, being here in this moment is incredibly important, but my past matters too.

So yes, it is important to be present, but where do we draw the line? When does it become important to understand our past? When do we leave the past in the past? 

Why you shouldn’t burn bridges

Are your past mistakes, relationships, and friendships just things you’re glad to forget about? Or are there people you don’t speak to anymore that had an incredible impact on your current situation? Catching up with those people can sometimes be beneficial.

I know I have a lot of friends and acquaintances whom I don’t speak to at all anymore. Occasionally I think of one of these people and reach out. It can be really nice to catch up with old friends because for me, it gives me a window into the person I used to be and can help bring back old memories.

I recently caught up with an old friend. We hadn’t spoken in close to 10 years and it was.. really interesting to say the least. It brought back memories that I had previously lost, some of which are very cringe, others that weren’t. The whole experience was a little weird. I had anticipated it with nervousness for sure. What if we ran out of things to talk about? What if it’s extremely awkward?

It definitely wasn’t extremely awkward. So it was good but again, really strange. I’m so glad it happened but I could have easily walked away saying, “thanks for meeting me, I hope I never see you again.” Just that one encounter was enough to give me the closure I needed.

Sometimes it is required to remind yourself that you’re exactly where you need to be. Facing your past can be that reminder. I’ve been tempted to burn bridges in the past. I’ve gotten bitter about old friends whom I hadn’t spoken to in years and acted like I wanted to have some type of upper hand by refusing to speak with them again. That’s pretty dumb of me honestly. Unless a person has actually screwed you over in some way, why write them off entirely? Sure, maybe they hardly ever reach out but if they did one day, would you be willing to catch back up?

If your answer is no, just think about it like this. You’re choosing to live life feeling animosity that is mostly constructed from assumption. You assume that since you haven’t seen a person in a while they don’t care about you or don’t want to make you a priority. You honestly just never really know what a person thinks, until you ask them. They might have assumptions about you too.

You’ll never get any answers to your questions if you refuse to ever speak to the person again. So burning bridges doesn’t help anyone. Forgiveness is always a good answer. 

Its like facing a fear

Facing your past can be like facing a fear, and we all know that facing fears is good for us. Seriously, have you ever been afraid of something, and then taken that leap of faith and faced it, and then had regrets after? I know I haven’t. I know that every time I have faced fears in my life, I have not only grown but I learned that the fear itself wasn’t nearly as bad as what I had anticipated. When you’re looking your fear in the face its not at all what you had imagined it would be. In hindsight you’re like, “what was I even worried about?”

I think it can be easy to block out your past because you’re afraid. I know I’ve done it. Some memories you’ll never get back, and that can be a tough pill to swallow at times. Memories are really strange though. You can completely forget that something ever happened, then one small reminder from a person who was also there (a photo, a story) and it comes back. Or you could have what you think is a good idea of what your relationship or friendship was centered around (we just hooked up, all we did was get drunk together) and then you see or talk to that person again and you just think, “wait, we have similarities, I can see why we were friends.” 

So if you never face relationships, stories, trauma, pain that you still think about, you might just worry about it forever. I guess it’s always possible to just forget about something or block it out, but are the unresolved aspects enough to cause subconscious damage that you’re not even entirely aware of?

The reality is, if a person or memory is continuously popping into your head, there is some reason for it and it might not be a bad idea to reach out to that person, or reflect on the memory and dissect it a little more. It might help you uncover insight into who you are as a person and help you live a better life. 

Accepting Pain

So maybe I’m sounding pretty contradictory but I stand by my point (also, I’m a gemini if you didn’t know). Although being present is important, I have no problem with examining the past and if a memory from the past is continuously popping into my head, I’m going to address it. 

I accept this moment right now — imperfect yet perfect. Sometimes we try to make our lives look and feel perfect, covering up the blemishes, pain, bumps and bruises that make us human. We try to deny these things (kind of like having a dark past and running from it). But facing your past isn’t the only way that staring at something ugly in the face can make you a better person. Understanding that pain is a part of life is another great way to grow and practice gratitude and acceptance. Here’s why. 

You Can’t Have Pleasure Without Pain

We recently got our first jogging stroller. I had the pleasure of taking it onto the beach the day we got it. This was a big upgrade from our small-wheeled, travel system stroller we’d used for the last 15 months. Although our old stroller hadn’t been meant to be pushed through sand, we took it on the beach anyways.

So, when I arrived to the beach access that day with the new stroller, I really hadn’t realized just how satisfying it would be, to push those big tires with ease through the soft sand. I have literally not been that stoked in a really long time. It was SO satisfying. You know what it made me realize? Had I not experienced the difficulty of pulling the old stroller through the soft sand, as the wheels refused to turn because they were completely overcome by powdery sand, had I not experienced getting stuck in that powdery sand with my 3 month old daughter in the stroller and having to accept help from a random stranger who helped me lift the stroller and carry it across — I might not appreciate this new stroller just as much.

It had me thinking about something a friend said to me recently. It was something along the lines of how sometimes we strive to live in complete comfort. We do everything we can to avoid challenge, pain, discomfort, but is that the way life was meant to be lived? Without the pain, where and how do we find the satisfaction? Without a screaming baby, we don’t appreciate peace and quiet the same way. Without a lack of sleep, we don’t appreciate those restful moments nearly as much. 

If you just always feel good all the time, do you keep feeling good? Or do you reach a point where you’re nearly numb to feeling good, since it’s just how you’ve felt everyday? It is important to feel uncomfortable in life. Without discomfort, we cannot grow.

How are you facing discomfort this year? Do you feel like you’ve come to terms with your past, or are there aspects that need to be addressed? What would it take for you to burn a bridge? 

Let me know in the comments! 

Simplify Your Life: December

I started this series last month as a way to document the steps I’m taking to live a more intentional, simple and purposeful life. Here’s how things are going in the month of December.

What I’m Doing

Finding Stillness

December has been a crazy month. I think we can mostly all relate on this. It’s hard not to get caught up in the holiday hectics and end of the year hustle, whether you finished a semester, had a bunch of work to wrap up before taking time off, or travelled to visit family. I ended November, hoping to find some stillness and to be entirely honest, I was anything but still most of this month.

I took on a lot of new writing work this month and it’s been great. One of my ongoing goals that I have been focusing on strongly is to start making a full time income as a freelance writer. This time last month, I wasn’t making much at all (if anything). Now, I’ve made enough to pay my bills for the month. I might not have made much more than that, but it is a huge jump from last month and I believe that it is just going to keep growing and growing. By this time next month, I’m excited to see how much more money I’ve made.

So basically, I’ve been hustling which is great but I have been falling back into my workaholic ways a bit. I’ve found myself feeling some heavy stress some days but I’m doing a good job at managing it. Mind you, I have been at home taking care of my 15 month old daughter 7 days a week still. I have been managing to complete all of my writing work during a combination of nap time, meal times when she’s in her highchair, sometimes sporadically while she’s playing, in the evenings when Ray gets home from work, and even late at night after everyone in my family has gone to bed. 

It’s been hectic for sure but I feel super grateful to have this work at all. So, I’m still searching for that stillness and working on finding a balance but it’s all a work in progress. 

Cleaning Out

I have definitely achieved some of my decluttering goals that I mentioned last month. Last month I mentioned that I’d be placing bags in every room to slowly fill with items I didn’t need as I noticed them. I also said how I was hoping to carve out some time and mindfully clean out as well. I’ve definitely done that and it feels good to chip away at some of the clutter in my life. 

I cleaned out one of the messiest parts of our home: the tupperware cabinet. I cannot begin to explain how satisfying it is to open that cabinet and not be knocked back by an avalanche of baby bottles, breast pump accessories, and random tupperware lids. I filled a bag with plastic containers that we no longer needed, an old sauteepan, our old kettle and few other kitchen items and sent it to the thrift shop. 

I also got rid of some old baby items that were taking up a lot of space but were no longer in use. I started to utilize the consignment shop and I’m not sure what took me so long! They bought all of our old baby stuff, although for a pretty low price. But it’s so worth it to support a small business and potentially help other parents buy my used items for an affordable price. Also, when the holidays rolled around and I realized I didn’t have anything festive to dress my daughter in, I stopped by there and was able to get a second hand holiday dress with my store credits from my sold items. That felt like a win and a lot more sustainable than buying a brand new outfit from target that she’d wear once. 

How I’m Feeling

Feelin’ good these days, thanks for asking! Honestly though, not everyday is a good day but having enough time to focus on myself and my daughter is literally filling me with the life that I had been drained of before. As I mentioned before, I noticed that I can have some workaholic tendencies if I’m not careful. I had a few moments of feeling pulled in multiple directions again and it was stressful. It gave me flashbacks to my nursing days and the intense stressors I faced back then. This reminded me that it’s always a work in progress and no change happens overnight. 

What’s Next

Although I’ve got a whole slew of goals for 2021, I’ve also got some smaller ones that I’m focusing on for the month of January specifically.

Finding that stillness.

That stillness I mentioned earlier? I’d still like to find that. I tend to be an all or nothing type of person and when I first quit working as a nurse, I got really grounded and focused. Now that I’ve been working as a writer I’ve been throwing myself into my work a little too much at times. So I’m working on finding a balance with that and I’m working on being still more often. I’m also trusting the process and being patient with myself.

DIY more.

I’d like to make some homemade items this month to replace things I’d buy at the store. Some of those items include: candles, lotion and lip balm. Making your own stuff is a great way to reduce waste, acquire nontoxic items with minimal ingredients and save money.

Digital declutter.

This is a big daunting one but it has to happen. My storage is full yet again and I think it’s finally time to sort through, print photos, transfer some onto a hard drive, and delete, delete, delete. Seriously, I have an email inbox with 75,000 emails and I’m so embarrassed to admit that.

My goal is to sit down one day soon and delete all of those emails, sort through the photos, and upload a lot of my writing work onto an online storage system such as Google Docs.

Dry January.

And lastly, I will be doing a dry January. Last January I did Whole30, which is a 30 day detox for anyone who doesn’t know. Whole30 involves cutting out alcohol for 30 days as well as a number of other food groups. Although I’ve learned that I don’t respond very well to restrictive diets like Whole30, I believe it is extremely beneficial to take chunks of time off from drinking alcohol as an adult. Think about how easy it can be to drink almost everyday for years and years if you’re an adult who enjoys drinking casually. I think it’s really good for the mind and body to take some time off and take a step back every once in a while, preferably once a year.

So those are some steps I’ve taken to simplify my life this month and my goals moving forward, as always, I’ll check back at the end of next month to see how things have progressed.

Xx

Modern Monogamy

I’d heard him talk about how he had some big expenses coming up in 2020. When we finally got the chance to take a weekend away without our baby since she was born over a year ago and he was adamant about a walk in the park, I knew what was coming. Although I was wholeheartedly expecting it, that moment when he pulled me close and said, “I have something to ask you,” wasn’t anything short of magical. 

The ring was not at all what I would have imagined (although, I’m not exactly sure what I would have imagined) but it was perfect, just like the man who held it out to me, while kneeling down on one knee. 

So, the proposal wasn’t a surprise but you know what was? The emotions and thoughts that consumed me prior to that weekend away. Let me explain.

As the weekend approached, I continuously thought about it. What would I wear? Should I get my nails done? Nah. Does he actually have a ring? Where would he be hiding it?

Okay, okay, I didn’t look for it. I considered checking his coat pockets but I didn’t. And had I found it I wouldn’t have dared to look. Anyways, regardless of whether I wanted them to or not, thoughts about the proposal filled my mind. But then, thoughts about something else started to pop up, at moments when I was least expecting them. 

Examining Past Relationships

I was out for a walk with my daughter that week when out of nowhere I thought to myself, “I wasted 4 years of my life on a shitty relationship.” I know, it’s harsh and the word “wasted” isn’t exactly warranted here because this time wasn’t actually wasted. Mistakes bring us to lessons learned, so although I wouldn’t wish 4 years of discontent on anyone, I wouldn’t personally do it any differently if I could. Every little moment has led me right here and this is exactly where I want to be.

Anyways, this thought was more about me wrapping my head around that four year figure than anything. That’s a large chunk of my time that I’ll never get back, during which I was unhappy. This was also right at the start of young adulthood for me, a typically transformative time in our lives. I spent this valuable time with blinders on and being held down. I was unable to reach my full potential and unable to be the person I wanted to be. I could have been this happy all along had I made better decisions. 

But I refuse to let myself fall down the rabbit hole of “what if”. Because hypotheticals don’t mean a damn thing when they’re in reference to the past.

Also to note here is that I’m not trying to point the finger and if I was, “the finger” can easily be mine pointing at myself in the mirror. I’m not trying to play a victim. I chose to be in this relationship, no one made me. But I had fallen into it when in a young, immature, and vulnerable place, leading to some poor decision-making.

This realization of valuable time lost was a painful one, that I previously thought I’d made peace with. It was tied to multiple emotions and additional thoughts.

“What do I teach my daughter? How do I prevent her from making these types of decisions?”

“How do I help other people who are still making poor relationship decisions?” 

I already have the answer to that last one: I don’t. People almost always have to learn these things on their own (I know I did) but the right environment can definitely help jumpstart some realizations.

For example, when I was in this toxic relationship, I worked with a lot of people who were 5-10 years older than me. A few of them were engaged or married. I witnessed some healthy adult relationships. I witnessed people who were really in love and happy together. I could tell that my relationship at the time wasn’t the same. I could tell that that was the type of relationship I wanted to have when it was time to get married and have kids.

It just took me time to realize that if the guy I’m with right now isn’t someone who I can imagine myself marrying then I might as well be alone. Seriously, it 100% isn’t worth anyones time to be in a committed relationship with someone that you know you wouldn’t want to settle down with.

Okay, maybe you don’t want kids or believe in marriage, that’s fine, you don’t have to. But if you know that the person you’re “committed to” isn’t someone you imagine a future with or want to grow old with. Why are they worth your time now? If they won’t be worth it later?

Unhealthy relationships can cloud your vision, distract you from accomplishing goals, and take your valuable time away from taking care of yourself. The most important thing to do during your young adulthood prior to settling down is to focus on yourself. That way you can figure out exactly what you want in life and know how to put yourself first when you do meet someone. 

Seeking Closure

Later that day I was in the kitchen while my daughter was eating lunch in her high chair when another thought came to mind. It was a simple thought about a different ex entirely. “I wonder how he’s doing”. We hadn’t spoken in years and I was just genuinely curious to know. 

This thought kind of took me aback and concerned me at first. Why am I thinking about him? Why am I worried about his life? I sat with it for a while.

I think about old friends in this context all the time. The only difference in this circumstance? This friend happened to be of the opposite sex and someone whom I had a bit of a “past” with. 

I later realized that this desire to reach out was entirely healthy. I also knew that my current boyfriend (soon to be fiance) wouldn’t have a problem with my reaching out because he trusts me, he feels confidence between us and we both know that we are in this.

It felt empowering to know that I could make this decision without feeling guilty because I was naturally inclined to after having dated jealous guys in the past. I had totally thought it was normal back then to let the person I was dating have an influence over the decisions I made independently as a person. 

So anyways, I messaged the guy and it was a super reassuring conversation. We discussed the fact that although we had a past relationship, we were also close friends for a while and our friendship had ended abruptly. This left me feeling a lack of closure. Letting each other know that we’re cool seemed to be pretty restorative and helpful on both ends. I’m so glad I did it.

There are healthy (and unhealthy) ways to give up parts of yourself in a relationships.

When a woman gets married, she may choose to give up her last name and take that of her husband. She may also choose to have a baby with the man in question, leading her to use her body and time to meet the needs of that child. Once you’re in a committed relationship with someone, both parties will probably run into times when they need to make sacrifices for the needs of their partner. 

When you reach the point in your life when marriage or any type of serious commitment (having kids, living together) is happening, you might end up giving up some parts of yourself, for the sake of your relationship. I think it’s about realizing that the person you’re with is worth those sacrifices.

If you’re like me though, you might have already started this process of giving up parts of yourself, only much earlier on in life and in a much less healthy way. In my specific circumstance, I let myself be totally absorbed in unhealthy relationships with boys throughout transformative times in my life such as my teen years and young adulthood. I also let the pain that came along with these relationships become a part of who I am. 

So this was my next realization that stemmed from marriage being on the horizon, I had now reached a point in my life when it would be normal, acceptable and okay for me to give up parts of myself for my relationship. But, since I had already allowed past relationships to shape me in an unhealthy way, I was feeling fear.

I realized I had already given up parts of myself in the past, to people who didn’t at all deserve me. Have these relationships shaped me forever? Had parts of myself been taken that I’d now never get back? How much damage has been done by past relationships and in what ways am I changed forever? 

This one was a hard pill to swallow.

Here I was, in love and ready to marry the father of my beautiful child. Yet, there was potential that issues could come up in the future of our relationship because of my own biases, issues, and scars from the past. Also, who am I had I not had these relationships? Are they a permanent part of me? That totally freaks me out.

That’s when I realized something else…

Messaging that ex actually had to do with an entirely different relationship.

So to offer a bit of a back story: regarding the ex that I messaged, we were friends up until the point of me starting to date someone else. When I started dating that guy, he was extremely jealous and a little controlling. He caused me to cut off friendships with a couple of different guys whom I was friends with at the time.

That other ex just happened to be one of a number of guys friends who I’d lost in this process. But he also happened to be the only one that I had been friends with for years. Messaging him wasn’t entirely about him, it was more about me getting back something that had been taken from me a long time ago, that I still hadn’t gotten back. It was about gaining back more of my independence. More of my identity.

So let me get this straight, there were parts of myself that a guy I had dated had essentially taken from me (whether he meant to or not, whether i realized it or not) that I to this day, as a grown woman with a child and fiance had still not gotten back!? And I hadn’t even realized it until now!

That blew my mind. And motivates me to share this message for everyone: 

NO level of jealousy is healthy in a relationship.

There ya go, I said it. I’m sorry, but I’m also not sorry at all. If your significant other is jealous to the point of having control over your decisions, that isn’t healthy or normal. If you have a hard time enjoying outings away from your significant other, that isn’t healthy or normal. If you’re consistently spending time with a person, doing more than just hooking up and you don’t see yourself settling down with them, they are not worth your time.

Think about it this way: you could be doing damage to yourself right now without even realizing it. You could be damaging or holding yourself back from a future healthy relationship with the right person. As soon as I decided to put my foot down in relationships, I met the man who I’m going to marry and I really don’t think that’s a coincidence. 

Take a minute and ask yourself what you want in life, relationships, your future, everything. Evaluate if you’re taking steps right now to get there. What better time than now to start advocating for yourself and get the most out of life?

Happy Holidays

Xx

 

Running With Headphones Vs. Running Without Headphones

Almost exactly two years ago, I ran my first marathon and I crushed those 26.2 miles without listening to anything. That’s right, no headphones, no podcast, no guided meditation, and not even any Drake music (I know, crazy right!?) 

Although I’m not running 20 miles a week anymore, I’ve tried to keep up with running on a somewhat consistent basis. Typically, I don’t listen to any music when I run — an unpopular choice, I realize — but for some reason, I had the urge to pop some headphones in this week for a 3 mile run.

In doing this, I noticed some benefits as well as some challenges that this music to my ears created for me.  Seeing as how most of the people I’ve talked to about this topic find even the idea of running without headphones appalling, I decided to break down some pros and cons that I’ve noticed throughout my years as a runner. 

My Background as a Runner

I was never really into running until my junior year of high school. A friend of mine was trying out for soccer and track and convinced me to join her. Shout out to any soccer players out there — that game is not easy. What I learned from trying out for both sports was that, physically I was fit enough to do both and possibly even a natural when it came to running. But I was wholeheartedly incapable of kicking a ball in any such way.

So I started my running career on my high school’s varsity track team, meaning I never ran with headphones in. Basically, I learned to run without music, so I never really knew anything but. 

Back then, my furthest distance was a 6 mile run that we did once during practice. Other than that, my main event was the one mile run. 

After high school, I would go on periodic runs but never pushed further than a mile or two. I wasn’t very motivated as a runner so I started listening to music to hype me up. 

On Thanksgiving of 2016, I ran my first 5k. This run reminded me how much I loved the environment of a race and motivated me to sign up for another race.. and another and another. About a year later, I tackled my first 10k and at the time this felt like a huge feat. 

Training for my 10k involved a 6 mile run every Sunday and these consistent 6 mile runs were a big deal for me. In order to get started with them, I would listen to music or a guided meditation. But somewhere along the way of training for this race, I finally popped those suckers out of my ears and remembered the lightness of running without any wires attached or electronics weighing me down. 

Six months after my first 10k, I ran my second 10k.

About 6 months after that, I ran my first half marathon and felt surprisingly good after, so I decided to go for it and sign up for a marathon.

Two years after my marathon, I’m still getting back into the groove of running regularly after becoming a mom and completely falling off of my running routine. I try to tackle one longer run a week. It doesn’t sound like much, but I’m patient with myself and focusing on the little victories. 

Running with Headphones

I’ve yet to figure out if running with headphones makes me faster, slower, or neither. I have a hunch that it makes me a bit slower though. Full disclosure, I don’t wear AirPods, so I’m still dealing with the archaic issue of wires attached. Don’t attack me though! I’ve tried wireless headphones in the past and they still weren’t cutting it for me. 

Con: My phone weighs me down

I don’t feel like I know what to do with my phone while I run. Again, I haven’t tried the arm strap thing, which I’m sure makes life easier but I still just feel weighted down by my phone. Often, I resort to shoving it in my sports bra or waste band and I can’t get past the feeling of it bouncing around the whole time. 

I dream about owning one of those old iPod shuffles that clips to you, but I don’t think they exist anymore.

Pro: Music hypes me up

Back to the question of whether music speeds me up or slows me down, when I started my run this week with music playing in the background I was running super fast. It definitely creates a whole vibe when you’ve got music playing in the background and I’m here for it, but I do feel like it causes me to go out super fast initially. This tires me out early on and makes it harder to run at a steady pace.

Con: I can’t hear myself breathe

One of the most important aspects of long distance running is focusing on the breath. Focusing on my breath helps me go into a meditative state (more on that later), causing me to let go completely. My mind goes blank and I’m almost unaware of how far I’m running or any discomforts that my body is feeling. 

Con: It messes up my posture

Having a phone the size of a book shoved in my bra causes me to hunch my shoulders forward while I run and one of the other most important aspects of long distance running is posture. I’ve realized that when my shoulders are relaxed back while I run I can take deeper breaths. It makes sense when you think about it. Having your shoulders relaxed back helps your lungs open up even further when you breathe, ensuring deeper breaths. When you take deep breaths during a run you’re oxygenating your whole body, including the muscles in your legs. 

Running without Headphones

Pro: Better breathing

I’m kind of being redundant here but when I don’t have Today’s Rap Hits blaring in my ears I can hear myself breathing. This helps me focus on my breath, breathe more steadily, and…

Pro: I go into a meditative state

Again, being a bit redundant. But, one of the reasons I fell in love with running is the benefits it has for my mental health. When I can hear myself think during my run, eventually my mind goes quiet. I fall into a meditative state and I feel so at ease. Often, my thoughts dissipate, I have some revelations, and I tend to come up with writing ideas (I wrote this entire blog post within minutes after returning from a run).

Also in this meditative state, I speak to God and there have been a few times where I’ve felt Him speak back. With headphones in, this aspect of running just doesn’t exist.

Pro: I run at a steadier pace 

I run at a steadier pace when I don’t have headphones in because I’m more aware of my pace and my breath. Also, without the music hyping me up, I’m less likely to go super fast, then slow when my energy runs out. 

Pro: You’re more aware of your surroundings

This kind of goes without saying, but running without headphones is probably a bit safer given your heightened awareness of your surroundings. 

Final Thoughts

Overall, I run better when I don’t have headphones in but on occasion, its nice to hype myself up a bit and jam out to some of my favorite music while I wrack up the miles. In my opinion, if you’re trying to improve your ability as a runner, cut the wires and give music-free running a try. Just hype yourself up with the music you love before and after your run. You’ll most likely run better, especially if you’re focused on hitting a further distance. 

Xx

10 Reasons I Loved Being a Nurse

Today, I finally cleaned out my nursing backpack. Feeling a weird combination of liberation and sadness, I unpacked all of my old nurse supplies along with the heavy emotions that are tied to them. I felt some sadness and uncertainty as I stood there asking myself if I’ll ever use these items again. I honestly don’t know if I will. I still feel confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life. I don’t have any doubts about quitting my job but I do feel a little sad about this change in identity. Feelings of liberation stem from a place of no longer feeling tied down by a corporate-like job title. I feel free to be exactly who I am meant to be. At times, working as a nurse made me feel suppressed.

I feel sadness about closing this chapter in my life but I think it’s normal to feel sad about walking away from something while simultaneously understanding that walking away is the right thing to do. As the layers of an old identity shed, I can feel myself mourning that loss. So, today I am here to talk about some of the aspects of nursing that I love, some of the ways that nursing shaped me in a beautiful way, some of the reasons why I am grateful to have experienced this wild, crazy, and interesting profession, and some of the reasons why I will forever have respect for nurses on a much deeper level than I ever did before I became one myself. 

1. It connected me with people from all walks of life.

As a nurse, I cared for inmates, drug addicts, people with severe mental health issues, homeless people and the list goes on. I didn’t just care for them, I built friendships with my patients. Being a nurse made me feel a sense of friendship with the confused 50-something-year-old man, who’s stroke left him with severe neurological deficits and constant falls led him to be restrained to the hospital bed. I restrained him myself one day with the help of a couple of coworkers and he twisted my arm while I was holding him down. We later laughed together as we chatted and I spoon fed him his meal.

2. It taught me to judge people less.

Being a nurse showed me that we’re all human beings. At the end of the day, we all live and die in a similar way no matter our story. We all live a life of love, heartache, joy and pain, we are just born into different environments and make different choices, landing everyone in a different situation because of it. Before I was a nurse, I was quicker to judge another person based on their appearance. I might have seen a person who looked strung out on drugs or homeless and immediately assumed they were a threat. Or maybe it would be the opposite end of the spectrum — seeing someone with designer clothes and assuming their life is easier than mine.

Either way, being a nurse showed me that we’re all human. That dirty looking wanderer is probably harmless and that nicely dressed person might have just had the worst day of their lives. You honestly just never know who a person is and what they’re going through. At the end of the day, we’re all going through something. I have a lot more empathy now.

3. I bonded with my coworkers on a deeper level.

I’ve met some really great people at all of the jobs I’ve had in my life but I have never connected with any coworkers in the way that I did with my fellow nurses. Something about performing an enema together just really bonds you with someone (I’m not even kidding). It was hard not to get close with the nurses who have trained me. After multiple twelve hour shifts together, you just start to notice all of a person’s qualities and you really get to know each other. The true difficulty of being a nurse is something that I wouldn’t fully understand had I not been one myself. A mutual struggle can really connect people and working in healthcare is definitely an incredible challenge. 

4. It strengthened me and gave me confidence.

Nurses are badasses. It’s impossible to do this type of work without letting it harden you a bit. After a while of working as a nurse I realized that I never really knew what I would be walking into on a given day. I didn’t know if I’d discharge six patients and admit six more in the same day. I didn’t know if I would be running around nonstop, sweating profusely. Or maybe I would have a nice, calm day, with a perfect work flow. Then again, I could also have a day where my patient falls in the bathroom and five people have to help me pull her up off of the floor. You honestly just never know. Every day as a nurse is a complete wild card. It teaches you to feel like you’re prepared for anything and makes you feel unfazed in the face of absolute absurdity. 

5. It is interesting.

Working in a hospital is so genuinely interesting. There are so many different things going on within a hospital at any given moment. As a nurse, I learned about all types of medical conditions I had never heard of, I met some very interesting people (patients and coworkers), and I sat with some people in some of the hardest times in their lives. A new born baby could be taking their first breath, while someone else takes their last just a few floors down.

6. It gave me a different perspective on life.

I’ve gained a lot of respect for healthcare workers but I’ve gained a lot of respect for hospital patients as well. These patients are so incredibly sick and to add to that stress of fighting an illness or recovering from a serious injury, simply being in a hospital tends to make people feel even worse. All hospital patients have a complete lack of privacy and they rarely get to breathe fresh air or see the sun — and let’s not even get into hospital food…

Patients also lose the ability to sleep through the night without regular interruptions. Whether they’re a perfectly healthy adult, just here for the night because one of their lab values was off after coming into the ED with diarrhea or a patient who’s come from a nursing home with hardly any ability to even communicate, bound to the bed and barely responsive with no family involved to advocate for them — being in the hospital sucks. 

Seeing these patients fighting their own battles gave me a new perspective on my own life and my own struggles. It was a constant reminder that no matter how bad things may feel, the sun will rise again tomorrow

7. It made me proactive.

When working as a nurse, you are forced to be proactive. If something doesn’t seem right with your patient or a lab value or vital sign is off, it is expected that you take action immediately. At some jobs, nurses are so busy that if action isn’t taken immediately there’s a good chance it could get forgotten about because there is so much going on at once. So basically, whether or not it intimidates you to call that doctor, you’d better do it ASAP because it’s now or never. I’m so much more proactive in my day-to-day life now because of this. 

8. I gained professional skills.

Becoming a nurse showed me what it is like to work in corporate America. I learned to speak up in a group setting, give presentations, introduce myself to a room full of strangers, and the difference between professional attire and business casual. Nursing has shown me that I’d rather not work for someone else but if I had to do so again, I’ve got the professional skills in my back pocket. And honestly, professional skills are beneficial to have in life whether you own a business or work for a corporation, so I’m super grateful to have gained these skills. 

9. It taught me to advocate for myself.

Being a nurse showed me how important it is to ask for help. If you’re drowning at work and you don’t let anyone know, they can’t help you and drowning as a nurse is a whole other level of feeling “in the weeds”, trust me. The simple concept of asking for help during a busy day at work is something I’ve started to apply to all aspects of my life and it is having a profound effect.

I’ve realized that the most difficult conversations are the most important ones to have. The day I called my boss to quit my job, was one of the strongest moments of my life. It was so intimidating and so scary to make that call, but also so liberating and one of the most important decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve been continuing to advocate for myself since, speaking up about what’s on my mind and saying what needs to be said. I’m not going to lie, it feels really damn good and has brought me so much peace.

10. It showed me that I can do anything.

Aside from being a mom, working as a nurse is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  

Honestly, I once thought I didn’t even have what it takes to apply to a nursing program. I thought it was only for straight A students and that has never been me. But then, I got into nursing school. During nursing school there were so many times when I thought I’d fail out. I constantly questioned my ability to make it through such a rigorous program. Then, I graduated. After I took my board exams, I was sure I had failed it. Then, I passed.

The reality is, you can accomplish literally anything if you apply yourself (as cheesy as it sounds) and becoming a nurse is how I’ve proven this to myself. Whether it be conquering a crazy shift, transferring an obese patient back to bed by yourself, passing an insanely challenging exam, running a marathon, it is possible. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

I’ve realized that every job I’ve had has helped me gain something. I’ve noticed a point at every job at which I said, “I’m finished here, I’ve gotten what I need and I’m done.” The day I called my boss and took that uncomfortable step to act in my own best interest, was the day I felt that closure in regards to nursing. I will always hold the time in my life when I experienced this profession close to my heart.

I still think about a lot of my patients, and wonder where they are or how they’re doing. I think about all of those patients that I’ll never meet, that are in there fighting as we speak. I think about my past nurse coworkers all the time too.

To nurses and patients alike, I say: I love you all, I’m wishing you the best, and most importantly, thank you for having me. 

 

Simplify Your Life: November

It’s been one month since I walked away from my job as a registered nurse. I was struggling with anxiety and I felt an undeniable pull to clear more space in my life. I’ve been taking a closer look at my life and striving to live with more intention. Here are some of the ways I’ve simplified my life this month, how I’m feeling, and my plans moving forward.

What I’m Doing

A bag in every room/Slowly decluttering

I’ve placed a large paper bag in every room of my house including my bedroom, my daughter’s room and the kitchen. As I notice things that can be donated or sold, I add them to the bag. That way, I can declutter and organize as I go without having to put aside time to do so. 

I’ve also realized that the key to having a decluttered home (and probably the most difficult aspect too) is maintenance. Even if you have the time to spend a whole afternoon, just focusing on cleaning your whole house (which no one does anyways), you have to maintain the cleanliness in order to have a consistently clean home. I’m definitely still working on it, but I’m trying to get myself in the habit of just putting things back where they go as soon as I’m done with them, rather than letting them sit out. I’m also taking a closer look at the clutter in my home and finding ways to organize items if they do in fact need to stay out all of the time. One of the things we always have laying around is chargers and headphones. So, I got a cute basket from the thrift shop to put them in and it looks a lot nicer than just having them laying around all the time.

No one’s house is clean all the time and continuously decluttering definitely takes some time to master, so I’m being patient with myself on this one.

Less online shopping/Creating a wishlist

Impulsive, online shopping was definitely a coping mechanism of mine back when I was working as a nurse. Originally, when I quit my job and realized that I would need to start budgeting, I told myself I would do away with online shopping altogether. Later I realized that cutting it out entirely just wasn’t very practical for me. As a mom, Amazon Prime is just too convenient and I’m not sure that I could find a lot of the supplements that I use in store where I live. So, my Prime account remains but I am much more mindful about the things I buy when I purchase online.

Another method I’m using to cut back on my online spending, is creating wishlists. I have a couple of different lists in my notes app on my phone (home wishlist, clothes wishlist, etc.) and whenever I think of an item that I want, I just add it to the list. That way I can be actively shopping around for a good deal on the items I need. Before I would impulsively just buy the first thing I’d find online because I was so busy, I felt the need to purchase ASAP out of fear I’d just forget about whatever it was I needed to buy. Having a wishlist also helps me visualize the items I want and prioritize whether or not I actually need them.

Basically, I’m shifting my thinking from I need these $50 floor pillows from Urban Outfitters to I don’t need the $50 floor pillows right this second. I love them, still want them, and they’re staying on my wishlist. I really look forward to when I own them but they aren’t a financial priority and that is okay!

Less takeout/simplified diet

Back when I was working as a nurse, I was spending a lot of money on restaurant food. We probably got takeout twice a week and sometimes even more. Half the time, it didn’t even taste that good. The reality is, I can make better food at home for half the price and now I finally have the time and energy to do so. Most restaurant food is made from the same frozen ingredients purchased in bulk from giant corporations anyways. So, this month we got takeout a total of three times for the entire month. The times we did get takeout, I actually appreciated it a bit more since we’ve done it so little.

Overall, I’ve simplified my diet. I’ve been cooking a lot of simple, healthy meals at home consisting of fresh veggies, sometimes rice and sometimes organic meats. As someone who’s toyed around with diets like Whole30 and veganism, I’ve realized that placing restrictions on my diet just isn’t good for my mental health. These types of diets work great for some people but for me, they cause me to get way too absorbed and be super hard on myself if I derail even slightly. I’ve been striving to eat a healthy diet but also just eating the foods I want and enjoying everything in moderation.

How I’m Feeling

Well, to be quite honest, I’m feeling really good. All of this time with my daughter is exactly what I’ve been needing. My writing career is (slowly) coming together, as I’ve begun to find some work as a freelance copywriter and editor. My hope is that with time, I’ll eventually make a full time income as a writer so that I can make my own schedule and travel with my family. 

Something I’ve noticed is how as I’ve reduced and minimized my life, it feels as though my mind is depressurizing. It’s as if before, my brain was so filled with all of these thoughts (obligations, schedule coordination, prepping for the work week, anxiety/stress) and they were just ping ponging around in there as I panicked internally. But now I’m slowly clearing more space in my life, literally and figuratively, and as I clear more space the thoughts in my mind are slowly releasing. This clearance of space in my mind has been making it easier to focus and be more present and I’ve even had some revelations. 

I’ve also realized that my anxiety had gotten to the point of causing me to feel afraid of being alone with my thoughts. A couple of months ago, I would dread getting in bed at night because I knew I would just be overwhelmed with stressful thoughts. My mind was so wound up all of the time, even if my body was completely exhausted. One night recently, I laid down to go to sleep and realized that I no longer felt this fear. I actually felt excited to lay in the silence for those few moments before falling asleep and I was happy to be alone with my peaceful mind.

What’s Next

In the month of December, I’d like to put aside some time to really clean things out. I’ve got the bags in each room ready to be filled, so now it is time to fill them up and start clearing more physical space in my home. My goal is to eventually go through every room of my home and get rid of all of the extra items I don’t need. While doing this, I’d like to pay attention to my belongings and question why I purchased them in the first place. This will help me pay attention when making future purchases. 

Also in the month of December, I’d like to try to find more stillness in my life. Now that I have started to make some money from home, it can be easy to want to rush over to my laptop every time I get a free moment and tackle my work for the week. Although it’s awesome that I have the ability to work from home, I need to find a balance. Sometimes I try to work for just 30 minutes, then I get way to absorbed and can’t relax after. I just recently took a full day off from all writing for probably the first time since I started this blog 6 months ago! So, I’m trying to find more stillness in life, master the art of doing nothing, and learn to shut my mind off every once in a while. 

I look forward to checking back in a month to see how things are progressing. Thanks for reading, friends!

xx