I Surrender

Life has felt incredibly chaotic lately – which offers an easy explanation for why I haven’t posted anything on here in quite some time. However, I think my lack of presence on my blog goes a little deeper than simply being too busy to show up. 

Setting expectations can be a slippery slope for me. I often put unrealistic expectations on myself, leading to disappointment, guilt, and a lot of frustration. A few months ago, my creative energy was flowing and I felt ready to turn my blog into a business. I wrote blog post after blog post, (finally) published my eBook after over a year of work, and even began consulting marketing experts who could help me get this dream off the ground.

Then, I hit a wall. 

I’m grateful to possess the understanding that creative energy can’t be forced. So, I chose patience over frustration and decided I’d take a break from blogging. I think God chose this timing because the reality is, I needed to focus on my personal life. 

  • I’ve got a second baby on the way and a first-born who needs me. 
  • My partner and I recently bought our home and we’ve got an endless list of projects we’d like to tackle.
  • I’m still learning to navigate a career shift that began nearly a year ago. 
  • I’m also still working on my mental health – something that I’d expected to have “in the bag” by now but I’m realizing it’s a much longer road than I’d once thought. 

Starting an online business likely wasn’t the right move when I thought it was, and that is A-okay but it took me first feeling truly incapable of doing so to really realize it. God stopped me in my tracks and instead of resisting, I decided to listen. I’m realizing how this concept can be applied to more parts of life. 

Sometimes God sends us a message to slow down, take a break, or shift our attention and it’s important to listen to and honor that message. It is important to note that God doesn’t always speak to us in the most straight-forward, easy-to-interpret way either. 

A few months ago, right around the time when I posted one of my last blog posts, my daughter suffered from a seizure. It was caused from a high fever and it was the first of its kind that she’s ever experienced. In the moment when I watched her lips and face turn blue and felt her heart stop beating beneath my hand, I truly thought she was gone. In that moment, I felt myself surrender. I looked at her and I knew that it was in God’s hands now as I prayed for him to please, please bring her back to us.

She quickly returned, fully recovered, and has been doing well since. She’s still coming down with fevers quite frequently which leads to plenty of anxiety but with time it is getting easier. Since she had that seizure, my perspective has shifted immensely. 

I’m no longer taking good times for granted as I once did. I’m much more immersed in the present moment than I was before. Days spent breathing and healthy with my family are a cause for celebration. I’m looking around at my life and thanking God every day for all that he has blessed me with and for every single moment

When times do feel tough, I’m a lot less likely to think “why me” but leaning more towards, “we’ll get through this, we’ve made it through tough times before”. I’m remembering that the tough times have a place just like the good times do and I’m trying my best to embrace them for what they are. 

So, today I am here to tell you that I surrender. 

  • I’m giving up on any unrealistic expectations I’ve set for myself.
  • I’m listening to God when he tells me to slow down.
  • I’m focusing on what’s in front of me and embracing reality, rather than letting myself worry about hypotheticals. 
  • I’m working hard to not take life too seriously, because it is important to remember that any moment could be our last

As far as marketing my blog, I’m surrendering that ideal for the time being as well. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up on a goal or dream, but just recognizing that now doesn’t seem to be the best time for me. I want to get back to the roots of why I started this blog – as a creative outlet and a way of connecting with others. 

After getting some online marketing advice, I determined that having a product, service, or course to sell are some of the main ways that people make money using a blog. I was also advised to determine a niche and really pin down an audience. As far as this website goes, it’s purely me and I don’t have anything to sell at this time. 

For that reason, I’ve realized that attempting to turn this into a business right now just doesn’t seem like the right move. I was setting too high of an expectation for myself and it took the enjoyment out of something that I once loved. I still hope to one day run an online business, whether it be through this site or another one (trust me, I have plenty of ideas) but I know when the timing is right it will come together exactly as it should. 

So, here’s to letting go of expectations, listening to our intuition, and slowing down when needed. Here’s to getting back to blogging for the right reasons and remembering, this may never go anywhere business-wise and that is entirely okay, as long as I’m enjoying what I’m doing. 

I’ve realized that you can’t always turn to someone for a clear-cut answer — it’s actually almost always more complicated than that. Which is why we often lie to ourselves and pretend there’s an easy fix in a difficult situation. Following your intuition will lead you where you’re meant to go, but that’s often the more difficult path because you have to accept full accountability when things don’t go to plan. 

Xx

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